Way too long and way too much

Well, I have been pretty much procrastinating and not adding to this blog due to the fact that there has been a lot of stuff going on. I will try to outline it:
1) Donations
2) New diagnosis
3) More disability fun
3a) Insurance
3b) Mood
4) Old friends
5) Summertime
6) Bartering
7) Mania
... I think I will stop here.

1) Donations: I have been building and donating computers for people. I finally gave some away and it is very fun, although, it is a bit nerve-racking. I give the computers to people, but then feel the need to teach as well. They really do not know how to use it and I just need to let it go, I guess. It is not in my nature, though.

2) My new neurologist finally figured out that Copaxone was no longer working for me. He came to the obvious conclusion that if you are progressing, hence disabled now, the the drug is no longer doing me any good. So, my diagnosis now is no longer relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis, it is now secondary-progressive. Years ago a drug named Tysabri came out on the market and it was a once a month intravenous drug. I said that I would LOVE to take something once a month rather than every day even if it was an IV. Well, the drug was pulled from the market because people had died from taking it. I thought that was it then. I would have to take the painful daily shots forever. Well Tysabri came back out on the market when they figured out the cause. It seems that people were trying to take it in addition to their other shots and that was too much on the immune system. Well, that is now what I am taking. I have had one treatment already and I have another tomorrow.

3) Disability fun... no f-ing way.
3a) It seems like a cruel joke. My disability insurance company sends me what seems like a ream of paper forms a month to fill out and the same thing goes for my doctors' offices. Somehow a man with diagnosed memory issues is supposed to keep up on all the forms for me and everything that the doctors need, too. Talk about a cruel joke. Needless to say, this situation has not been working out so well and I have gotten into several heated discussions with those that control this escapade to inform them that it is generally not the greatest idea have someone with parkinsons carry the coffee... although they do think that I should remember every step and how for something that rival the tax code in level of complexity.
3b) On a more serious note, it is really hard to deal with not working. I am reminded that drawing a paycheck to not work is something that every white-trash bastard I have ever met sees as like winning the lottery. That is not me. I am used to working for my money and feel like crap if I don't. This type of thing is hanging over my head now, mentally. Everyone tries to reassure me that it is great to get paid for nothing, but that is just not in my nature. Plus, even with Social Security and disability insurance, I am still taking quite a hit in income. And, to top it off, I am not allowed to work legally and still retain my benefits. So, if I want to work a little harder to save up for a nice present for my wife or something, that is not allowed. In fact, get this, my disability insurance augments my income by taking the amount of money that the insurance covered me for and adjusting it so that they PLUS social security provide that amount. And, in another means of cruelty, they also take the reward that my children get, which is spelled out in Social Security rules as my children's not mine and the insurance company also takes that as part of it. So, basically, the more kids I have, the less money the insurance company has to pay me. Isn't that just nice. Oh, and NOW to the point I was trying to get to. I asked the insurance company if I could work part time delivering pizzas or something. The said SURE... I just needed to remember to send my pay stubs to them so they can deduct it out of what they pay me!!!! HUH??? I am not allowed to make extra money legally?? NO FRUSTRATION HERE!

4) So, I have been using facebook a little bit and low and behold a friend of mine who I have known since Kindergarden and roomed with in college and fell off the edge of the earth after that... over 15 years ago.... popped up on Facebook. Very cool.

5) It has been freaking hot around here... and it sucks for those of us who have multiple sclerosis around here.

6) I have rediscovered something that I am good at. Bartering. And, it has been booming since the economy is not doing so well. What I have been doing is trading computer work.. mainly building, cleaning and updating people's computers that do not work very well for them and they have been doing things that I cannot do anymore, like work outside when it is 90+ degrees out there. I have gotten a new wall built for computer repairs and what looks like a new patio going in for some computer work as well. But the coolest one is that a guy that is getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan needed a laptop to communicate with his family while he is over there... and I came up with the BEST trade. He, being military, is used to having to shine the faucets and clean everything to a crazy level. So, what I need is my motorcycle detailed... there is a lot of chrome there to shine and nooks and crannies to clean out. For him that is just a normal-like thing, for me it is torture. A laptop is probably a bit much to pay for detailing a motorcycle that has always been garaged, but it is worth it to me to know that I helped out a soldier and his family as well.

7) Finally, I am tired of typing, but I have to mention that I am having a lot of problems sleeping. I have been doing an all-nighter about once a week these days. It is crazy and no one can seem to understand it. I have a bachelors degree in Psychology and that is even that is more knowledge than necessary to figure out what this is. It is mania and my doctors knew it was coming since I guess I am like this every summer.


Okay, I have written a small book and am tired of typing. Maybe next time I will go into what I am going to do with my time for the future.... To be continued.

A lot more stuff going on

Been way too long, but I have been incredibly busy (especially for someone who is disabled). I have a lot of things going on and a lot of people vying for my attention and help.

Funny thing. I went out to a coffee shop to talk to a guy I met who needed some help with database design… something that takes me about 30 minutes to do in his case. And when I was there, we were in a quiet corner with only one person around and that guy got up, introduced himself and told me all about how he needed my type of help, too. Looked almost like it was staged or something, but it was 2 different types of business and I am not sure why you would want to introduce someone, that you need help from, to someone else that could take up his time or pull him away…. Dunno. Kind of flattering, regardless. But, I seem to be running into a lot of people that would really like my help. Sucks that I really can’t work in a structured manner anymore.

I have been getting donations of computers lately and rebuilding them. I take the computers and give them to people that cannot afford them. It is pretty cool. But, the computer donations I have been getting have been 10 year old computers or more. They are hard to rebuild since even I have few parts for that age of computer. And, those computers will not be able to run newer applications, especially the notoriously huge footprint of Microsoft software.

It is fun to give them away, but I do run into those that think I am trying to scam them by asking for computer donations. I have been trading emails with someone who is convinced that I am a scammer! Funny since I have fought the scamming having reported it to the police/website administrators on multiple occasions.

Health-wise, I am doing okay. I am in a bit a manic phase right now. I staid up from this past Saturday morning until Sunday night. Monday, I was wiped out and went to bed at 8pm which I cannot remember ever having done since I was a kid. I am generally a midnight bed person.

Besides the manic stuff, I am having major weakness in my legs when I get up, really needing a cane, but relying on falling to let me know I cannot stand ;) I also have a lot of weekness in my leg arms and shakes in my hand. The shakes are really annoying when I am trying to build computers and such.

Well that is all I feel like talking about now. My saga is ongoing and not that interesting for most although very therapeutic for myself.

MS Walk hangover morning

Wow... I am tired. Actually not as sore as you might think... maybe the sore part comes tomorrow. Today, my legs are so weak.

The walk went okay yesterday. It was cool, which was fine. But, it rained the whole walk... we were drenched. My eldest daughter went with me and she acted more tired than I (the important word here is "acted"). I cannot imagine here being more tired than I.

I guess the best part is the people that we got to meet (my whole family went in matching shirts, nonetheless). Oh, and I cannot forget the mountain of free crispy creme donuts.

Today, I have to go to church this morning (youngest is singing). We were planning on working in the yard today, but it is again raining... so I doubt that.

$$$$$

It seems that the disability is causing more issue than I originally thought. When it comes down to it, I have done everything I was "supposed to" in my life so far. I have 2 bachelor's degrees. I got married and had 3 daughters. I was offered a huge job in California during the DOT-COM boom. I even lasted through the DOT-COM bust. I moved back to be close to family and continued to work at the same level I was before.

Well, this all cost $$ to move the family a couple times and that added up. You would think that it would be easy if you make a decent amount of money. But, kids cost a LOT!

Anyway, the disability has caused my $$ influx to dissolve and now we are really tight and in debt just like everyone else now. It sucks.

If you happen to be a really rich individual and you have a lot of extra money just laying around, I have gone to the extreme as to add a DONATE button to the left ;)

MS Walk

I am doing the MS walk this year. I found a group to sponsor me in the fact that they will match all donations with a total up to $5000. That means that your tax deductible donation will be matched! So you donate $100, the MS society gets $200 !!!!

Anyway, to donate, go to: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/jamie.smith

Status Quo

So, guess what... I broke something again. I had 5 (FIVE) breaks last year... working on beating it this year. The MS has a lot to do with it since my balance and my "spatial feel" is not good these days.

Anyway, it was a very minor one so no x-ray. Last year I got xrays on 2 out of 5 times. This first break of year is one of my toes on my "bionic leg" foot (left lower leg is intensely reinforced with titanium because of a major spiral fracture a couple years ago, so I call it bionic ;) ). The toe is nice and swollen and, according to my 5 year old daughter, is black, blue and purple. Hmm... I am partially colorblind, but where did the purple come from....

Big 12 Champs

Wooo Hoooo!!! Was tire of Kansas taking it and the Kansas Fans rubbing in their Basketball team.

Mizzou Tigers Big 12 Basketball Tournament Champions 2008-2009

Situation is collapsing

So, I am disabled. I have been trying to work on getting everything together to handle disability. I am cleaning out my office (big project), taking care of some honey-do list stuff, taking care of the computer network and computers in the house, doing the taxes, following up on all disability stuff (big project) and taking care of the kids while my wife works.

What I didn't expect was the broadside of relationships. Some people have a problem with the "disabled" status. And, these are people that I wouldn't have expected.

So, I am currently in a situation where my health is a major deal, but I also have to worry about my relationship to make sure it doesn't falter, and that is the most difficult one.

I am really in need of help. But, I am not sure where/how to get it. If there is actually anyone reading this, if you have any ideas, please pass them on.

Plugging along

I am now officially disabled. You would think that would make things much easier. But there is a mountain of paperwork for my disability insurance company as well as the Social Security administration!!

So, earlier this week I made a huge mistake in that I forgot to take my morning meds. My wife got home and started talking about all the things I needed to do for Social Security and more. If I have not mentioned it before, I have a very hard time dealing with more than one thing at a time. So, will the lack of meds and dealing several things at a time, I got really frustrated and threw a bit of a fit... once I calmed down, I realize that I don't normally do that anymore. So, I went and checked and low and behold, my morning meds were still in the box! Unfortunately, I have not gotten into a good routine yet.

I happened to speak with my inlaws a couple weeks ago and one of them expressed some serious problems with me and that they were going to snatch my wife and kids from me because I am such a problem, I guess. I should just shun that off like I did about the conversation we had when we first met and how I was useless and such (they did no know me at the time). Anyway, I have been having quite a few things happen recently, so the timing of that conversation was not good. I am having a hard time forgetting it.

Major Life Changes

Again, it has been a long time since I added to this blog. But, I have a lot of things that have changed recently.

A week or so ago, I was written up formally for some problems with my performance at work. This is the first time, ever, that I have been written up at work for anything. While the examples given were mostly bogus, the general ideas of the session were valid. I, honestly, knew these were issues but was denying that it actually was noticed. Denial is the keyword here.

What the meeting did do is point out that I was not coping as well as I thought. So, after a Dr. appointment and conversation with my family, I chose to finally go on disability. I knew this day was coming, but I just kept myself thinking that it would be several years in the future. My doctors (yes, plural) had already suggested that I do it, but I am someone that is used to working and did not have any desire to stop. I have worked since I was 11 years old, picking apples. I worked through high school and college and have been working ever since.

I am not sure what I am going to do now. Thank god I have plenty of paperwork and "honeydo list" stuff to do for now. I have no idea what I am going to do after all of that is taken care of. I have tried to think of stuff like doing a little work selling stuff on eBay, some volunteer work, maybe even teach at community college or something. I just don't know at this point.

In addition, I have a family and disability does not pay my same salary, so what are we going to do about money. Unfortunately, most of this responsibility will have to be passed on to my wife since disability restricts the amount of money you can make and still receive payment. The good thing is that I have paid for the maximum amount of disability insurance I can get through my employer my whole working life, even before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

What is "funny" about all of this is that since I stopped working, my symptoms have increased! I am not sure if I just didn't notice before or I am truly having an exacerbation. I am having a bigger problem with tremors in my hands and legs. My legs started doing major kicks from the hips last night that would not allow me to go to sleep. Well, I am not sure how anyone could sleep in the bed since I was kicking so hard that it was shaking th whole bed. Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night and my legs are tired this morning.

Okay, tired of typing now.

Post Vacation

So, I made it through vacation without losing any body parts! Ya, I am kind of surprised, too. In the past, I have lost things like my appendix, injured myself, etc...

I got a blu-ray player for my birthday... that is awesome! And, got some movies, too, but with Circuit City closing it's doors in my area, I have been investing a small fortune in discounted movies. Nothing else there seems to be anything but down to the prices that everyone else charges.

So, I have been getting a lot of interest in people trying to hire me out of my current position. I am somewhat courting it a bit now since I have been a little unhappy with the direction of my current position is going. I am not sure I will actually go, but it is kind of fun since I am really interviewing them as much as they are me. But, I don't want to get caught up into a situation where I am thinking a new company is going to provide the "little nest" I have built in my current position. They have been letting my work from home a lot lately to take away some of the stress and fatigue that is generated when I am in the office. I actually get a lot more work done at home than at work with all the distractions. So, I am not very sure what I am going to do. I like the place that I work, but just not the way it is being ran now in my area.

A lot going on

Again, I took a long time to add to my blog. I think that I don't really add to it until I have to get something off my chest.

Since my last blog message, I broke my right foot again! It is really one of the toes, but there really isn't anything to break in a foot than the toes. I don't generally call it a toe since I broke it half way between my heel and where the toe becomes an appendage... inside the foot. Anyway, you cannot cast it, so I just have to be nice to it. I started walking on a cane to help it out, but noticed within a couple weeks that I was putting to much stress on my left ankle (the titanium reinforced one). So I then had to switch my cane walking to now take stress off the left foot... ugh.

I have had some anger/depression issues again. One of my doctors adjusted the drugs I take (more than a dozen pills and a self administered shot every day) and that seems to have helped.

So, my issue now is how to cope with the MS fatigue and weakness, my ankles and feet that need physical therapy, memory issues, the need for exercise, taking care of my children (an attitude perfecting teenage daughter, an attitude developing daughter, and a wild and temperamental 5 year old daughter... all cute and all very good kids, but....) while my wife works 2 jobs and goes to school.... oh, by the way, I work full time!!

And, to make matters worse, we now have a dog that I absolutely hate. It is as dumb as a doorknob, yaps all the time, and cannot figure out where she is supposed to "go to the bathroom". From that description, anyone with any knowledge of dogs probably know about what type of dog I am speaking.

I did make some progress with my job in the fact I got them to agree to working 2 days in the office and 3 at home a week. It does wonders for my fatigue. But, I have also heard from my company that the price of my healthcare (which I cannot do without) is going up 30%...

So, the title "A lot going on" is very accurate.

Smoking

So, I quit smoking a couple weeks ago and it sucks. I suddenly fell into a state of depression. It just seems that I am no one to everyone.

I pretty much sucks.

I have been trying to figure out what I can do to get over this, but I have found nothing that helps. No one to really talk to about it since everyone seems to be too busy.

On top of this, it seems that I have piles of stuff that I need to do, yet cannot make headway on anything. Money is always an issue. My wife seems to believe that everything is fine, but I don't see it that way since I am in the time of my life where I should be making money enough to catch up on all the debt, but I can't.

I have things to fix at home. I have things to fix at work. I have things to fix.... well, everywhere. I hate being run-down all the time. I hate having to veg out because I am too tired to do anything after work. Once the weekend comes around, I try to catch up as best that I can, but it never seems to be enough.

I wish I could do something that would take all this away, although if it did go away then I would have nothing to do, which would also be a problem.

So, it seems like a lose-lose situation to me. I cannot win, no matter how many caffeine pills I pop. And, once it seems like I might be able to, I go and do something like break my foot. (Actually a toe up inside the foot)

I pretty much snap at anything... fuse is really short. And, this is really bad for my family. My teenage daughter says that she is tired of hearing about Multiple Sclerosis... I know she is a teenager and shouldn't take much from it. But, that sucks, too.

So, basically, I am depressed with no end in sight. Maybe I should start smoking again.

Facebook, etc

This thing has been pretty cool. I have contacted people that I haven't spoken to in a decade or more, I am networking with people that I barely know, and it is a little bit of fun.

So, in the last post I spoke about my camera getting stolen. Well, we found the thief! It was my wife. It was hidden away in a bag that had been put away after our last weekend trip. So, it was not really stolen, just misplaced. LOL... I had even bought a new one to replace it... guess I need to hurry up and take it back!!

Well the first MIZZOU football game is this weekend!! So ready!! I love football. And, finally, the tigers are respectable. I am tired of Jayhawk fans. They cheer for their basketball team and all it's glory. It has been a powerhouse basketball team since the 50's. Of course the best players want to go there and of course they do well.

I don't think you are real fan unless you stick with your team through the bad times before you see the good times and you stay with them when it goes bad again. I really hate "bandwagon fans"... those that only root for winning teams and it changes from year to year. The jayhawk fans that I come in contact with talk like they are "entitled" to it or something... naw, root for a team where the goalposts are torn down after ANY win since they are so few and far between as I did with MIZZOU in the late 80's and early 90's. Hell, I was one of the people tearing them down. Then get to watch them start winning... those are the fans... not those that only know the team when they are winning.

The same goes for the Chiefs. They are going to suck this year. That is expected when more that half of the team have less than 2 seasons experience. They are rebuilding through the draft. Not a quick-fix-find-a-free-agent-to-fill-a-role rebuild, an old-school rebuilding. Creating a team that is used to working together. That is the way it should be done.

I guess that is all I have for today...

Fighting through pain + allergies right now, but that is boring.

dunno

Not sure what to write about, but I haven't left any entries for a while.

My headaches are mostly gone. After 4 shots of steroids to the spine and an increase in meds (like I need more... I take about 16 pills and 1 shot a day right now), there are only a few break-through pain episodes now and they are all minor. Nothing like the ones that started this whole thing.

Maybe it is because the temperature around here is freakishly low for August. I am pretty sure that has something to do with it.

So, only news I have is that someone (teenagers from the neighborhood, I'm sure) broke into my truck and stole cigarettes and nice digital camera. Sucks. Don't have the money for a new camera. I have been looking around in the classifieds online and in the newspapers for the camera. It had family pictures still on it! I haven't found it yet.

So, I found facebook this month. I originally had not planned to use any sites like that, but many of my friends across the country use it and it is a way to keep in contact. It has been sort of nice, but takes up too much time. I have suddenly ran into people that I have not talked to in 20 years. No kidding. High School.

Oh well. That is all I have got for now. Nothing really good or bad going on.

HEAT!

So, I am back exactly 1 month after my last post... boy, I am really burning up the blogosphere (/sarcasm).

Heat has been the issue as of late. When it gets into the 80's and 90's and so forth, it is a pain in the ass. I get fatigued. I start having issues concentrating. I have issues with more random pains. Sometimes everything seems to close in and I cannot function correctly.

Oh, btw, I added a bunch more medicine to my current regimen, so the headaches are better. I also had several spinal steroid shots. The headaches are more manageable now, but are not gone. It is amazing what my pain tolerance is now. I laid in recovery for my spinal shot which I barely noticed, and listened to people moan and cry in pain from the same shot. The pain tolerance is nice, but the cause of it is no so nice.

I started smoking again. I shouldn't do it. But, when you have so many other things to deal with, it is hard to give it up. On top of that, I am not eating correctly. I generally skip everything but dinner... too busy, I guess. Another thing I need to get into the habit of doing.

Back to the heat. It is messing with my memory and my moods. Mainly making me depressed. Maybe not depressed in a clinical sense, but depressed nonetheless.

I have so many thing I need to do:

• quit smoking
• exercise every day
• eat every meal in moderation
• cut out my self medication (drinking)
• get a sleeping habit together so I can fall asleep at night
• get to work on time (hard to do)
• stop drinking so much caffeine
• fix this
• fix that
• upgrade this
• upgrade that
• build this
• build that
• etc
• etc
• etc
• etc
• etc

My list seems to be overwhelming to me. And, what is even harder is to remember it! Especially in the HEAT.

L8er

pain

I have been having some problems with pain for the past few weeks. The locations are random on my head. It feels like a mini-migraine and lasts for only a few minutes. It pretty much sucks. When they hit (no warning, just pain), I lose my train of thought and it is difficult to speak or anything. It does not take away any motor skills or anything, just moves all attention to the pain. Like I needed something else.

I have been taking hydrocodone and oxycodone to mask it, but it is still there, nonetheless. In the middle of all of this, my job has ramped up so I have a LOT of work to do in a very small amount of time. So much for trying to take it easy.

I had to leave in the middle to go to a wedding. The wedding was planned a year ago and it was on my schedule to leave since then. The work necessity came up about a week before and suddenly I was under pressure to work. They wanted me to work while I was at the wedding and make sure to keep up with my email, etc. No pressure.

I have been talking for months about getting some help with what I do since, currently, there is NO ONE else in the company that knows how to do it. Basically, if there is Oracle work, I have to do it. No problem. But there is a limitation with how much time there is in a day and the fact that I really do need to sleep.

On top of all of this, I am still making less money than I did in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 & 2007. I can say 2007 even though I was working for the same company because in the beginning of the year, I was working a second job. This year, all salaries were frozen, so no raise. Oh, they also changed insurance, so I now pay a considerable amount more in insurance. Insurance is absolutely necessary in my case. Copaxone is not cheap.

To give you an idea, I am now working a second job again. This is absolutely wrong. My doctors... plural... all say the same thing that I should be taking disability right now and not working at all. So, what am I doing, working 2 jobs. My wife is working 2 jobs AND going to school to get her PhD. Basically, in my house there are 4 college degrees and a fifth on the way.

Oh, 3 daughters, 2 dogs, vehicles, house, etc... If we had more money, we could pay for some help with the house cleaning and such. We did have someone helping, but she was sporadic on when she would show up and pricey.

The pain (changed subject, I know) puts me in a down mood. Way down since I am being hit with intense pain without warning... I just know that it is coming. It is sort of a torture almost. Right now it is occurring about every hour, sometime more, sometimes less.

If the MS didn't make you live a life feeling all alone all the time. Seems kinda stupid, but ask anyone else with MS and they will tell you exactly the same. You cannot live a normal, active life all the time. You have to make time to rest (and feel like you are being lazy). You have to stay away from heat. You have to take a cocktail of pill every morning and again every night. You have to inject yourself with a painful shot EVERY day. No one else close to you has to do this. They just watch and think of it as a normal thing or something. Sorry, it is not.

Terrifying video

Sucks!!!

I have a lot to say, but not much time to do it. So here goes. I apologize if a lot of it does not make sense.

I am having what I think are MS exacerbations or symptoms now. I have been having these mini-migraine headaches. Basically, I have a headache only in a small area of my head, like the side above the ear. It is pretty painful, but only last 5-15 minutes. The next one will be in a completely different spot on my head. Can't really take anything for it since I don't know it is coming and the medicine would not take effect until after it has gone away. Sucks!!!

My company changed insurance at the beginning of the year. It hurts. I take copaxone everyday and it is a very expensive regime. The price of it doubled. Plus I am supposed to go through a step routine for the medicines so I can take the medicines that I have been taking for years. Fortunately for me, my doctor is the same and he is taking care of those issues for me since it took me several grueling years to get to where I am at now. Also, the insurance won't cover things like Chantix and several other medicines now, so I have to pay out of pocket for them. Sucks!!!

BTW, I have be doing incredibly well at my job, going above and beyond and producing. How do they repay me for it?? Change insurance, causing more expenses.... and freeze all raises. Oh, in my household there are 4 college degrees... me=2, wife=2, but working on number 3 right now. College costs... debts cost.... medicine costs... kids cost....Sucks!!! I am now looking to work a second job. I am in pretty high demand, if I want to be, but I am not sure that my health can handle it. But, I want to live life without having the stress of life. ;)

Oh, I am so good at what I do, that the company is using my technology suggestions leaving me as the implementer of everything... but not allowing me another employee to help me out with the workload. The people that I work with are 95% microsoft based stuff. So, there is no one with the skills to cross over and I am not given the time to train anyone. The people with Microsoft skills tend to be IDE addicted and do not know the basis of anything underneath. Makes it hard for them to crossover since there are very few IDE's for what I do. I am a writer of code in a text editor. Old School. Sucks!!!

I have to do something about my weight now, too. I have been trying to slow down lately so I feel better. I take naps sometimes now.... it is getting hot outside (I can't handle that very well)... so I have been increasingly inactive. My weight has shot up. The only thing that I can willing do, it seems, is just to stop eating. I am now only eating 1 meal a day. It is not healthy and I know it. It is not working since my body just goes into starvation-mode and I don't lose anything but muscle. But, what do you do when you have MS and trying to lose weight.... Sucks!!!

Smoking

Yes I smoke. I quit in January of last year for good (so I thought). Then last year about this time, I had an exacerbation and took IV steroids. Turned out that the steroids caused more harm than anything. I lost my appetite (that actually wasn't all that bad), bone marrow stopped producing blood cells, and more health problems. It was a horrible experience, especially since I did the IV's at home and went to work just the same as always (bit of a work-a-holic). The steroids, basically, drove me back to the cigarettes.

So, I decided that it was time to try again and use Chantix (like I did last year). That stuff really works. By day 2, the nicotine was no longer being absorbed into my system!! Kinda sucks because I want a cigarette, but if I go and have one, it does nothing but make me stink. No nicotine.

I figure I will no longer be smoking by the end of this weekend. I still am in the habit of smoking, so that will take a few days.

Down

For some reason or another (MS), my moods flip up and down. I take some really good meds to help with that. I say really good because the meds I was taking years ago did not work very well and, in turn, was affecting everyone around me. A few years ago, I tried something new (which I had done on multiple occasions) and this worked! Really well!

I can still tell when my moods flip. It is not nearly as drastic as it was in the past, but I can still tell. Bipolar is what they call it, but I know what causes it (sort of.... since no one really knows the hows and whys about MS).

So, right now, I am down. I see it as a little scale of 1 through 10, 5 being normal. I now sway between about 3 and 6. I am down at about 4 right now. So, not too bad. Really doesn't affect me all that much at that level... just sort of annoying, for lack of a better way to explain it.

There are some triggers, but they don't affect me as much as they used to. The main ones at this point are normal and weird ones. Like my health (I am still smoking... bad bad bad), family (chaos is a trigger, lack of time with my wife), and intagibles (like things breaking, money, etc).

I don't think that there was any type of definite trigger this time, although I have been working a stupid amount of hours as of late. 60+ hours a week is not a good thing with MS which causes me to be even more tired than normal.

I am getting a bit burned out with the fact that I am the only person doing what I do for my company. If I had extra time, I would train someone to help me, but time is not something that I have had as of late. I think I am going to have to slow my work down so I CAN train someone. People I work with (boss) are a little concerned with it, as well.

My wife has taken on a second job teaching at a local college and getting ready to start her PhD. This is a plan for the future in the fact it will give us more stability. Although, it is going to be a tough time for me having to endure that period of our lives with her being extremely busy and more of an onus placed upon me. Just scares me a bit. I can handle it, but still....

Wow, it has been a while!

So, I have been doing a lot of long hours, lot of hard work and not enough sleeping. Not good for me.

I am very needed in my position due to my Oracle skills.... kind of an Oracle developer crossed with a dba. I have never wanted to be a dba because of the repetitive stuff you have to do. So, I never took those classes even when I got them for free as an Oracle employee at HQ. I am much better at doing the design and such of development work. I know how to write Java having spent years doing it at Oracle HQ working on Oracle Applications, but I got a bit burned out with java. I think it has to do with all the little things you had to do for the "business" people getting picky about what color this needs to be and where they want it to sit on the screen, asking it to move 1 pixel this way or that way.

I am now back to a company that spreads it between Open Source stuff (my preference) and Microsoft stuff. The MS stuff has it's place, but it pretty pricey when you come down to it. I know, you want to say that Oracle is way more expensive, but I beg to differ. Say for a standard development environment with a dev-test/qa-production environment hierarchy. In the dev enviroment for MS you have to pay for the OS, the Database and the Visual Source Safe IDE. In Oracle/Opensource, you have to get an OS (linux) -- FREE, IDE -- FREE and the Oracle DB -- FREE (in development). In test/QA, same situation, pay for all MS stuff and all Oracle/OpenSource is FREE. In production, same for MS and you may even need to set up load balancing with 2 or more databases and 2 or more webservers in essence doubling the cost. On the Oracle/OpenSource side, everything would be free except for the Oracle database which is expensive, but probably not as expensive as the whole cost of all the MS software all the way up the hierarchy. Also, in many cases where you need multiple databases in MS, you can probably use a single Oracle db. Given, that some of that is the OS since linux has a MUCH smaller memory footprint than windows, but still.

I did say Oracle in my title, so I had to at least throw some of that in rather than just my multiple sclerosis. Football season is not going on and there is not much Chiefs news, so geek stuff it is.

Jamie

Learning limits, fatigue, and other MS related stuff

I haven't posted in a while, which has everything to do with me. I haven't learned my limits yet. I have a VERY strong work ethic. So, I work much longer than most people that do not have MS. When I get home, I am so tired that I eat, take my shot and veg out... watch tv and go to bed. I am pretty much worthless... this has been going on for a few weeks now. Putting in 10-12 hour days and wearing myself out.

I am finding that the fatigue seems to have a hangover effect. So, late work days in a row have a cumulative effect. I sleep well, where I wasn't before... so there is one bonus there.

I really need to figure out a way to limit myself a bit. Dunno. I guess I will try, but not sure what will happen.

Correspondence

I have been getting emails from people wanting to talk. I really appreciate the correspondence and love to talk to people. I have learned in this last year that talking about it with people helps out immensely.

So, thank you Sandi for your emails. I hope the conversations help you out as much as me.

Long time

Well, I haven't posted in a while. It is a new year! I do not want to have a year like last year... new job (not too bad, just busy), major exacerbation, lots of treatment side-effects from the episode, a burst appendix, and an abysmal Chiefs season. Hopefully, 2008 will be better, I can't imagine much worse.

Things seem to be going okay these days. I am still having issues with fatigue and a few remaining effects from the surgery about 6 weeks ago. But, I will survive.

I have finally gotten to dabble back in HTMLdb (ApEx is what it is called now). I am a bit rusty, but it is nice to work with it again. It is not quite as easy as I remember, but remembering everything is half the battle. I put up a couple helpful applications, so I did remember enough.

I will, hopefully, be posting more... but, right now I don't have much to say. I just felt guilty for not posting in over a month.