Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Major Life Changes

Again, it has been a long time since I added to this blog. But, I have a lot of things that have changed recently.

A week or so ago, I was written up formally for some problems with my performance at work. This is the first time, ever, that I have been written up at work for anything. While the examples given were mostly bogus, the general ideas of the session were valid. I, honestly, knew these were issues but was denying that it actually was noticed. Denial is the keyword here.

What the meeting did do is point out that I was not coping as well as I thought. So, after a Dr. appointment and conversation with my family, I chose to finally go on disability. I knew this day was coming, but I just kept myself thinking that it would be several years in the future. My doctors (yes, plural) had already suggested that I do it, but I am someone that is used to working and did not have any desire to stop. I have worked since I was 11 years old, picking apples. I worked through high school and college and have been working ever since.

I am not sure what I am going to do now. Thank god I have plenty of paperwork and "honeydo list" stuff to do for now. I have no idea what I am going to do after all of that is taken care of. I have tried to think of stuff like doing a little work selling stuff on eBay, some volunteer work, maybe even teach at community college or something. I just don't know at this point.

In addition, I have a family and disability does not pay my same salary, so what are we going to do about money. Unfortunately, most of this responsibility will have to be passed on to my wife since disability restricts the amount of money you can make and still receive payment. The good thing is that I have paid for the maximum amount of disability insurance I can get through my employer my whole working life, even before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

What is "funny" about all of this is that since I stopped working, my symptoms have increased! I am not sure if I just didn't notice before or I am truly having an exacerbation. I am having a bigger problem with tremors in my hands and legs. My legs started doing major kicks from the hips last night that would not allow me to go to sleep. Well, I am not sure how anyone could sleep in the bed since I was kicking so hard that it was shaking th whole bed. Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night and my legs are tired this morning.

Okay, tired of typing now.