Thursday, October 18, 2007

Working late

Working late tonight. Trying to get some data populated... I am running into issues of data tranfer rates across the network (and secure internet). It is almost finished.

Doing work that I was not intending to do originally, but something missed by another sits on my shoulders. So, I stay late. Everyone has been gone from the office about 4 hours now. Just me and the cleaning crew.

Pretty boring to read, but all I can do is kick off the scripts that I wrote to do all the work and wait. So, I have to have something to do.

Been worrying about my health a lot. My multiple sclerosis seems to be progressing a bit. I am not sure how many more years I have until I have to stop working or do something else that I will be capable to do. Who knows, with MS, you may have a day or 50 years. But, with the number of scars that I have on my brain and spine, it looks like a mine field on the MRI results.

I haven't had an MRI lately. Maybe that is a good thing. It just be depressing.

The fatigue issue is really getting to me. I feel all alone most of the time when I get home since I am too tired to do much of anything with my kids. My wife then has to pick up the slack and therefore, I feel pretty guilty, but I know I can psych my self up to doing things, but 1) it is not healthy for me to do so; and, 2) I am having a hard time convincing myself to do so.

Damn! The process is still running...

Looking at me, you would never know I have MS. I think that makes it hard for people to understand stuff. The fatigue is very hard to describe. Normal people don't seem to understand why I can sit all day and work, yet feel like I just laid concrete all day and am so tired and fatigued.

I have other symptoms... ears ring 24/7... It is sort of like being 5' from a shotgun barrel when it goes off (without ear protection) and the ensuing ringing that occurs, but goes away in a few minutes or hours... I have that permanently... try going to sleep every night with that ringing... I can tune it out during the day, but it is tough to fall asleep... especially with the MS insomnia to go with it.

How about the vertigo that happens on a whim... have to grab on to something and wait until it goes away... so many falls, trips, slips, broken bones, stitches, etc. to go with it... sucks

Depression goes with it too... very hard to keep that under control since it is a symptom and it is added to by all the other symptom effects. Sorry, hard to explain.

Lots of meds... shots cost $3k+ / month... thank god for insurance. Plus there are other drugs to keep the depression under control... plus allergies and asthma to go with it. But, even with the insurance, between dr visits & copays for the drugs, it is still hundreds a month.

Still not finished! I wrote the scripts to work as fast as possible, but the amount of data going across the network is killing me. And, I am somewhat an expert in what I do... constant head-hunters calling, emailing me and anyone associated with me... little do they know what they would be getting.

On top of everything, I have midwest values and feel like I need to do certain things including the bread-winning which is going well right now, but what happens when I can no longer work.

Uh. Oh.... there goes my watch beeping... it reminds me that I need to take my shot.

WOOO HOOOOO... finished!

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